Sunday, August 28, 2005

Its been a week since I entered an entry. A lot happened and I thought about a lot of things too.
Pretty tired and insane, like usual.
My godfather is admitted to the hospital, again. I'm worried but no one seem to understand, oh wells, its my godfather afterall, what I can I expect?
I saw his facial expression, and I can feel his pain and all. He told me he's so suay, I totally agree with him. He just had a bypass operation this March/April, stayed in the hospital for almost 2 months and now, he's back into the hospital. May all the things go smoothly for him from now on. He shld be discharged either today or tomorrow. =)

We still havent spoke, let me see, almost two weeks. Its hard to adapt lah, afterall we had been the best friends for like i-dont-know-how-long. I'll learn to adapt, I promise. I'll get over all this fuss and be normal, at least to Zhuwen. Cause I've been so irritating and always fuss about everything during my math lesson when i sits next to him. HAHA.

I'm missing all sec2 people in my life. Aint sure why I'm still wishing that time would turn back, though my life isnt that bad now. But i still prefer the times back in 2003. At least I'm still a positive soul back then. Right now, I'm living life day by day. I dont have much hopes about my future cause i cant even handle now, my present life. I live for the sake of living.
Nevertheless, i know Life is Beautiful and i still look forard to the day when i can say it loud and clear that I'm a happy soul.

i'm reminded of him. not very sure what happened, and i even dreamt of him fooling ard, like the usual him. its almost half a year since he left us, still aint feeling good. sometimes, i might even look around to look for him, hoping that he's still there, joking and laughing.
its the 7th month now, and i hope he can make his way back to school and wish that he'll know that we still miss him. .
but jiawen says malay and chinese got different district in hell. HAHA.
still able to make a joke out of it.
i'm alright.


my best bud is now out of my life.
i feel weird, bad, upset, unhappy and any vocab that is associated with sadness and loneliess.

mom should be worried right now.
how should i help?
she wont tell me anything now .
i'm full of regrets .

okay, lets do up a teachers' day performance with the 1E2 '02 and 2E2'03 ?
agree? ha. say 'I' if you agree.
say 'E' if you violently object.



life is beautiful yet complicated.
life doesnt go the way i want.
life is not prefect for me.
life is tough.
sometimes, i'm tired to go on.
but i have to.
i cant rule the world, i cant rule my life, i cant control my life.
what is happening to me?

i'm tired to continue with the so-called argument.
just wanna say, sorry.

okay, i'm sinking into misery yet again..
i havent felt better since last two weeks. and i'm sick of myself having a friend by the name of misery-depression.
i know escaping and running away wont help at all, but right now, what i have to do is to concentrate on my examinations and so on.
i dont want to be haunted by my past memories anymore.
i want to get out.
i need help. anyone?

i definitely didnt do it on purpose. couldnt you think for me? i'm stucked in the middle, i cant just leave him alone and run to you.

life's all about maintaining a good balance with the things you're handling.
apparently my life isnt on a good balance. i'm lost when i speak abt my family.
feel so damned bloody bad when i talk abt my relationship with others. not to even mention about studies. i am so not alright.
i say i am cause i dont want to add to anyone's problem.
i super agree with the fact that everyone has their own set of problems.
this is my side of reason for keeping things to myself.
i'm under counselling, anyone bothered to ask.
i'm such a fool, i know. i refuse to let anyone into my heart.
but its not what i want. i dont want my best best friend to walk out of me one fine day and i'm left hanging all by myself. i certainly dont want that.
i need a friend too. i'm human, remember?
i'm not the most pathetic person at all,i'm aware of that. so, i dont go around telling ppl that i'm down and whatever shit. i just want a friend who stands by my side and listen to me, not one who is so kaypoh and just wanna know whats up with me.
no one really understand how i feels.
no one will.

HAPPY NATIONAL DAY.
laughsoutloud*
i guess its not that big deal lahh,just wanna create a happier atmosphere.
anyways, had hell lotsa fun in sch and over at lynn's place ytd.
in sch, i was overly crazy, apparently because of my hair and things like that.
my hair was in total mess, but i couldnt care less abt it cos i was having so much fun watching the school concert. they arent pro actors, but they really did a good job. Cheers`
i had two lil' ponytails on my head ytd, one side sprayed white and the other red.
its was a sabotage okays. initally i just wanted a lil colour on my hair and i turned out into a donno-what freak.
after that, we had lunch at KFC and practically everyone was lookg at my horrendous hair, which i'm proud to say. LAUGHSOUTLOUD*
we (me, laoma, wk, eugene, karinda, xy, cindy, jiawen) went to NTUC to buy some foodstuff to lynn's place to have our long-anticipated steamboat gathering. after which, yuting and elvis joined us.
overall, it was nice but the funniest part was when we started the cake fight with wheat cream.
aww. .
everyone was sticky and dirty, but had lots of fun. =)
lamers, you rock.
love you guys, take care and chill, ya?

fyou. death wont solve any fkg problem.
it'll just make ppl ard you sad and lost and totally upset.
i've tried it, i still cant forget him. he aint my close friend but i keep thinkg of him. can you imagine if another one leaves us. and this time, i dont think i'll even know it.
f. i'm so bloody pissed off when i hear him talk abt death so easily. i know i've no rights at all to say all this. but you'll nv know how upset the people ard you will feel.
its all my fault.
slap me, anyone?

as i was walking home ytd night, ard 11plus, i saw a couple 'enjoying' themselves at the void deck. arhh, that was gross. what was even worst was that there were two primary school kids playing ball right beside them. the ridiculous thing is that the two boys could carry on their game without being affected. laughsoutloud* they are that desperate to the extent that they cant even wait to get home. HAHA. i was disgusted by them cos' my inference skills told me that the man enjoyed himself. alrights, i welcome all the awwings and eeeings.


tml is the national day celebration in school, will be wearing red shirt and white bottom, but mine aint that white. so i'm so prepared to get chased out from the school.
steamboat is finally on tml and i'm so excited about all the eatings and laughings.
hope the meet up will be good. =)

Saturday, August 06, 2005

someone said to me, i'm entitled to happiness.
am i? i ask myself, can i have that?
i wish i have. .

had a kopichattinglaughingcrying session with jo.
i never knew we felt so alike, everything we're worried about is the same. it was so unexpected that we actually had the same mindset about certain things that i shant say it here.
i found out i'm actually a suicidal person. gosh, thats such a new thing to me. LAUGHS OUT LOUD* i seriously need a lil' professional advices on how to keep my prone-to-suicide-mind down. i'm so tired right now, my bed is calling for me. my entry is getting a lil to lengthy so i'd better stop.
and please stop questioning me about what is happening to me. the reason is simple, i, myself aint sure too.